The Value of Habit

It's been almost nine months since I broke my ankle. Surgery, recovery, and physical therapy have been good to me. I'm walking again and I'm starting to get back to a normal life. I still have some issues squatting on my heels and I still have daily, regular pain with each step. But it's getting better. I can walk, I can hike, I can almost dance.

I started thinking about this when my nephew Keith asked me whether I would ever be able to run again. He's ten and those kinds of things are very important to an active kid like he is. I said that I couldn't at the time, but that I was hoping to soon. And it's true. I would really like to be able to run again. I would like to be able to jump and dance and my real hope is that eventually I won't even have to think about my ankle. But I'm not there yet.

I'm still struggling to recover. My motion is not quite right and there is still a lot of internal scarring. I fell off doing my physical therapy exercises shortly after I stopped seeing my therapist. This week I've just realized how damaging that was. I've lost a lot of good recovery time thinking that walking was all I needed. Now I realize that if I had let the physical therapy exercises become a habit, I would be running by now. I would be dancing. I don't know if I'd be back at 100% but I'd be closer.

Last night I stood in front of the TV doing some of my exercises. It felt good to be stretching and strengthening those muscles. I worked on my calves and on my range of motion. And I'm feeling better today. I feel stronger, even with a bit of discomfort. So tonight I'm going to set aside some time to do all the exercises. Even a half-hour out of my day will hopefully let me improve. I was strong during physical therapy. I want to get back to that again.

Going It Alone

Or What a long strange trip it's been.

When I broke my ankle back in January I knew that this day would come but I didn't realize how odd it would feel. Tomorrow is my last scheduled day for physical therapy. On Sunday I get to remove the brace and start walking like a normal human being. In some ways this is the end of my treatment. Two attempts to set the bones, a surgery with screws and plates, two weeks of no weight bearing, one and a half months of limited weight bearing, and two months of physical therapy with full walking have all come down to this.

After tomorrow there will be no one to push me through my physical therapy. There will be no one there to guide me through the recovery process. After tomorrow I'm on my own. I'm both scared and thrilled at this. No matter how much I love my physical therapist, I won't miss taking off work last minute to attend appointments. As much as I appreciate the doctor who did the surgery, I'm glad he feels confident enough that he doesn't need to see me again. And no matter how much I've needed the directed recovery in the past, I'm ready to step out (pun intended) on my own.

I can walk now, mostly gimp-free. I can climb steps, although I still need the handrail. I can stand for long periods of time without pain. The only things I can't do right now is hop, run, and crouch. And I'll start working on those. I've learned the value of physical therapy. Of working daily to make myself stronger. I finally understand the old adage: if you don't use it, you lose it. That is very true for muscles. As I rebuild my calf muscles, my achilles tendon, and my knees I'm reminded that you are either getting stronger or atrophying. For the last couple years I've been letting myself go. I'm been letting the muscles grow soft while I sit on the couch. I've been ignoring my body. But this injury is just what I needed to give me an added push.

When I was sitting on the couch right after the break, I dreamed about walking. When I was slowly starting to walk with the crutches, I dreamed about getting rid of them. When I finally put down the crutches, I dreamed about walking without a limp. Now that I'm walking without a limp, I dream about running. I dream about running for distance. I want to strengthen enough to run a marathon. It's been a dream of mine for the last ten years.

So my next step will be to start walking for distance. As my muscles and my endurance build up I can start learning how to hop. And once I learn to hop I can start teaching myself to run. I know that I always have back-up from my physical therapist if I need it. I can always go back. But for right now I have a goal, I have ambition, and I have the energy to go it alone.

Crutchless

Wow, one letter off and this might have been a very different post. A reminder to always check your spelling. :-)

I am officially crutchless. As most of you know I've been slowly weaning myself off the crutches for the last two weeks. It was slower than I expected but then again I never was good at just diving into something. I had gone from two crutches to one sometime last week and that felt good. Jeff and I were even able to go out and do some window shopping on Friday without too much trouble. And although I moved to the single crutch I noticed that I was starting to pick that crutch up when I walked. I realized how little I needed it. So last night I stuck my crutches into a corner and went to dinner without them. This morning I surprised my physical therapist by appearing in her office without them. I've been walking all over the house today without them and even managed to get out to lunch without them.

The thing that amazes me about this transition is how comfortable and natural it feels (nothing else in this entire process has seemed natural). It struck me as I stood outside our house talking with one of my neighbors. I hadn't seen this neighbor since December so she had no idea that I'd even broken anything. We were standing in front of the house catching up and I realized just how comfortable I was without having anything to hold me up. I stood with my feet at equal weight and I was perfectly balanced. I didn't even have any pain. It felt amazingly good.

For the first time in months, I can carry things. I put all my stuff back into my purse last night and no longer have to carry the backpack. I can even get into the car like a normal person now. I was originally terrified of getting rid of the crutches. Now I find it exhilarating. I never realized how normal I would feel so quickly. The physical therapy has really made the difference for me. I'm well on my way to recovery.

All Recovery...All the Time

It's the recovery channel, all recovery stories, all the time!! Sorry I know I just posted about my leg but sadly it's what on my mind recently. And as much as I would like to deny it, a broken ankle (particularly my type of break), is a big deal. I had an interesting discussion with my physical therapist this morning who told me that although she's hoping for a complete 100% range of motion recovery, it often tends to be more like 80 to 90% for trimalleolars. The plates and screws make a huge difference.

All that said, I've had an exceptionally good day recovery wise. The physical therapy is slightly painful and my foot is sore by the end of the day but I can finally see some good movement in the joint. It's faint and no where near where the other one is but I'm able to move it back and forth and side to side. It's day two of physical therapy and I already feel much stronger. I can move the foot more and am now able to put all my weight on it comfortably.

My big news for the day is that I have been walking for most of the day with just one crutch. I had been nervous to get rid of the crutches completely although I know it's the next logical step. So this was a compromise between my daring self that says go for it and the frightened side of myself that said don't rush. So far it has been working beautifully. I limp a lot but that's to be expected. And I can even carry things now. It's the little things. :-)

Mostly I'm just excited about the physical therapy. My therapist is wonderful, always careful and gentle with me, but still giving the ankle a good workout. I'm shocked at how little movement makes it tender. One of my exercises is to use my ankle to draw the alphabet in the air. I started with my good foot to try it and had no issues. But even the shift to make the A on my bad ankle is stretching muscles and tendons I didn't realize I had. It's slow going but it gives me something to work on and the feeling that I'm in charge of my recovery. And that is the greatest feeling of all.