Insomnia, Again

My mother tells me that I was one of her best sleepers when I was a child. I slept heavily through the night for years, barely waking for anything. All the way through college, very little disturbed my slumber. Even the dorms weren't loud enough to wake me up. I would drop into bed around midnight and sleep straight through until morning.

Flash forward 15 years and I'm dealing with insomnia, again. Ever since I left college I've become a light sleeper. I wake at the tiniest noise. And often can't get back to sleep. Several years ago I went through a seven month period where I couldn't fall asleep. I was lucky if I got 4 to 5 hours a night. Now I can fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep. I'm waking up four or five times a night and struggle to get back to sleep each time. I stare at the ceiling or lay there listening to Jess sleep. I've started sleeping with earplugs in again but I think they're more of a problem right now than a solution.

The problem seems to be my anxiety. I've had social anxiety for most of my life but in the last decade it has started amplifying, leading to anxiety attacks and insomnia. It's confrontation that's the issue. My previous bout of insomnia stemmed from a neighbor who would have wild parties. The few times I went to tell him to keep it down didn't go well. Nothing physical or really all that mean, but it set me back. So I would lie awake on perfectly quiet nights waiting for the noise. This current bout is about a new neighbor. We share a wall and he's a true night owl. One night I woke at 4 a.m. to find him blasting music. Jess went over to ask him to turn it down and he did. He's been quiet and respectful every since. We've hardly heard a peep from him. But I can't seem to shake the anxiety. I lie awake listening for the music. And I can't sleep.

I'm writing this because I find that talking about my anxiety seems to make it less intense. I often journal about my anxiety attacks but I never really talk about them here. I know that I'm not alone with anxiety issues and certainly not alone in my fear of confrontation. It's right up there with fear of death and public speaking. Currently I avoid it at all costs. But I'm beginning to wonder if that is hurting me more than anything. Would I be less anxious if I felt that I was more in control? Would I still not be sleeping if I felt I could tell this kid what I thought? I know that it's all a matter of facing my fears, but that's hard to remember at 3 a.m., a time that's never been comfortable for this early bird. So I'll ask. Have you ever faced insomnia? What worked? What didn't?

Uncle!!!

Okay, I'm crying uncle. Tonight I'm going out and buying myself some earplugs. It's not that my place is loud, actually far from it. A good majority of the time my housing complex is silent. But that doesn't stop my anxiety which creates sounds of its own. I have been lying in bed listening for loud radios and nighttime disturbances that probably won't come. That's the big problem with anxiety. It's not what's going on but what could go on. And my sleep is suffering. I've tried changing sides of the bed, white noise, hot baths, sleepy tea, NyQuil, and sleeping on the couch. Last night I got three hours of sleep. I'm literally falling asleep at my desk at work.

I've been putting off posting because I've been in rotten mood. Insomnia is a terrible thing for the anxious. The more anxious I am, the more I can't sleep. The more I can't sleep, the more anxious I become about sleeping. Vicious cycle. So earplugs tonight, and tomorrow I'm calling a therapist. I've always encouraged others to talk to therapists but now that I need one I find myself resistant to calling. I keep thinking that I should be able to handle this on my own. But the more sleepless nights I have and the more anxiety attacks I have, the more I realize that this requires some professional help. I hope to start improving soon. I miss having thoughts that aren't sleep related. I miss reading without the intention of making myself drowsy. And I miss not worrying. So Uncle!!! I'm ready to get well.