Insomnia, Again

My mother tells me that I was one of her best sleepers when I was a child. I slept heavily through the night for years, barely waking for anything. All the way through college, very little disturbed my slumber. Even the dorms weren't loud enough to wake me up. I would drop into bed around midnight and sleep straight through until morning.

Flash forward 15 years and I'm dealing with insomnia, again. Ever since I left college I've become a light sleeper. I wake at the tiniest noise. And often can't get back to sleep. Several years ago I went through a seven month period where I couldn't fall asleep. I was lucky if I got 4 to 5 hours a night. Now I can fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep. I'm waking up four or five times a night and struggle to get back to sleep each time. I stare at the ceiling or lay there listening to Jess sleep. I've started sleeping with earplugs in again but I think they're more of a problem right now than a solution.

The problem seems to be my anxiety. I've had social anxiety for most of my life but in the last decade it has started amplifying, leading to anxiety attacks and insomnia. It's confrontation that's the issue. My previous bout of insomnia stemmed from a neighbor who would have wild parties. The few times I went to tell him to keep it down didn't go well. Nothing physical or really all that mean, but it set me back. So I would lie awake on perfectly quiet nights waiting for the noise. This current bout is about a new neighbor. We share a wall and he's a true night owl. One night I woke at 4 a.m. to find him blasting music. Jess went over to ask him to turn it down and he did. He's been quiet and respectful every since. We've hardly heard a peep from him. But I can't seem to shake the anxiety. I lie awake listening for the music. And I can't sleep.

I'm writing this because I find that talking about my anxiety seems to make it less intense. I often journal about my anxiety attacks but I never really talk about them here. I know that I'm not alone with anxiety issues and certainly not alone in my fear of confrontation. It's right up there with fear of death and public speaking. Currently I avoid it at all costs. But I'm beginning to wonder if that is hurting me more than anything. Would I be less anxious if I felt that I was more in control? Would I still not be sleeping if I felt I could tell this kid what I thought? I know that it's all a matter of facing my fears, but that's hard to remember at 3 a.m., a time that's never been comfortable for this early bird. So I'll ask. Have you ever faced insomnia? What worked? What didn't?

Pressure...Pushing Down on Me

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

There's a saying that I've heard used in pretty much every context imaginable. What I've realized this week is that I'm not "the tough". I apparently don't handle pressure well. It's a odd fact that the more pressure I have on me, the more I shut down. So while I'm handling what seems like endless and endlessly frustrating work projects at work, I simply shut down at home. I've been completely unproductive this week while home. I've fallen behind on all of my communication, can't even stand to check email, and have been avoiding the phone. I've done not a bit of housework this week, which Jeff has sweetly taken care of. And I don't even want to look at a computer.

The blog has been a bit of a casualty. This may be one of my least productive weeks blog wise. Which of course is interesting in itself. I've set an odd deadline for myself blog wise and that too is creating pressure for me. I've started blog posts numerous times only to abandon them a couple lines in. All because of this deadline. The funny thing is that I was just writing without worry, I would have had a ton of posts done. As you guys know, I'm not too picky about what I put out here. But with this deadline I seem to have frozen up.

So it's time for me to take a step back. Yes the work projects have to be done by a certain time. Yes my life after work has been a bit crazy lately. No I'm not going to let that affect the blog from now on. I'm also not going to think about this completely arbitrary deadline I've set for myself. And remember that this is all about play and not about work. Hopefully that can take away some of the pressure. And keep me going. Because apparently "when the going gets tough", I take a mental sabbatical.

A Cure for All My Ailments

What if I would tell you that I have found the one thing that will help me lose weight, improve my mood, keep my anxiety at bay, increase my energy, and lengthen my life expectancy. It's pretty simple. In fact, I learned about it at the ripe old age of 1 year old. It's walking. The first and only thing that I have ever found that takes care of almost all my issues. You would think with all those benefits it would be something that I would be dedicating tons of time to. Yet for some reason I find it tough to get out the door.

Jeff and I went walking this afternoon. We wanted to try out a path that has been built near the house and I loved just getting out into the trees and putting one foot in front of the other. In fact, I'm always happy when I'm walking. I don't remember the last time I took a walk and didn't enjoy myself. Even though I don't really like to walk along busy streets I won't turn it down. My favorite walks though are when I leave the trails. Strap on my hiking boots and step off the beaten path. This picture is from a hike Jeff and I took along the creek near our house. We found all sorts of interesting plant life, spotted a couple of deer, and found our way a couple miles from the house, just following a creek. It was one of my favorite walks.

But I still find it tough to motivate myself. I look out the door and think that it's just too much work to put on my shoes. Or find a coat. And the couch just seems comfier. So I put off going. And then feel lazy and even worse. A simple walk everyday would be all I need to improve my life. Now I just need to get moving. My plan (kind of like a resolution) would be to take a walk every other day weather depending. I'm not about to become one of those crazy people you see walking in torrential rains or in a blizzard. But on nice days there is no reason I shouldn't get out and walk when I can. When I lost all that weight four years ago I did it simply through walking more and writing down what I eat. And getting out simply makes my anxiety go away. With those bonuses alone, I need to make an effort to get out there and walk. Here's hoping I can keep the pace up.

Uncle!!!

Okay, I'm crying uncle. Tonight I'm going out and buying myself some earplugs. It's not that my place is loud, actually far from it. A good majority of the time my housing complex is silent. But that doesn't stop my anxiety which creates sounds of its own. I have been lying in bed listening for loud radios and nighttime disturbances that probably won't come. That's the big problem with anxiety. It's not what's going on but what could go on. And my sleep is suffering. I've tried changing sides of the bed, white noise, hot baths, sleepy tea, NyQuil, and sleeping on the couch. Last night I got three hours of sleep. I'm literally falling asleep at my desk at work.

I've been putting off posting because I've been in rotten mood. Insomnia is a terrible thing for the anxious. The more anxious I am, the more I can't sleep. The more I can't sleep, the more anxious I become about sleeping. Vicious cycle. So earplugs tonight, and tomorrow I'm calling a therapist. I've always encouraged others to talk to therapists but now that I need one I find myself resistant to calling. I keep thinking that I should be able to handle this on my own. But the more sleepless nights I have and the more anxiety attacks I have, the more I realize that this requires some professional help. I hope to start improving soon. I miss having thoughts that aren't sleep related. I miss reading without the intention of making myself drowsy. And I miss not worrying. So Uncle!!! I'm ready to get well.