Mondays

I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up, sinking further into the cushions. I'm surprised that I have the energy to type with how tired I am tonight. I'm feeling the exhaustion of a long productive day. My Mondays have become busy. And today was one of the busier ones.

Back in March I started volunteering with our main city library. My mother had found an ad in the local paper requesting volunteers and I contacted them about working on Mondays. On my day off, I go in at noon and work until 5. On my work Mondays I go in after work until close. I may only work one night a week but the volunteer position has made a marked difference in my stress levels. I'm feeling far more relaxed than I have in months. The librarians seem to like the work I do and I'm even starting to contribute some ideas of my own. I feel like I make a difference and I love the fact that I'm working in a library. The only downside is the busyness.

I worked my regular nine hours at my day job and then headed over the library right after work. The library is preparing for a major book sale and I've been working for many weeks to get things ready. Tonight I shifted at least four full book trucks worth of books. I also went through the children's collection to pull out certain subjects. I handled stacks and stacks of books. I left feeling exhausted, a little dizzy, and hungry (I hadn't had dinner). And proud.

So the exhaustion I feel is a good thing. My time on the couch seems like a reward for a job well done. I feel more proud of the 2 hours and 45 minutes I spent at the library, then I do for the nine hours I worked at my day job. I feel like I contributed more. And for me that is making all the difference. It may be another night away from home during the week but this type of busyness is right up my alley.

Library Longing

I went to an author's reading last night at one of the newly remodeled local libraries in town. I went early so I could wander at my leisure and check out the new structure of the library. I walked in and instantly started for the nonfiction section. It's become my favorite section lately. And I did what I always do. I wandered down each of the rows touching the spines and seeing what caught my eye. I picked up a couple of books that interested me. I know they have a card catalog on the computer but I prefer a serendipitous way of finding books.

During all of this time, I hardly saw another person. I wandered alone looking at books. And I was struck by how happy I was. I was at peace and contented. I couldn't think of a single place I would rather be or a single thing that I should be doing. And this morning I realized what that means. I was in my element. I was exactly where I should be. It doesn't have to be that library, or even one in this city. But I'm fated to be in a library. It is where I am the happiest. And that was a beautiful thing.

All Work and No Play...

Makes Cat bitter.

This week is the week from hell. I've had a month's worth of work dumped on me in the last two weeks. I have three days to get most of it done. And I have something (meetings, social events) every night of the week. I'm stressed and frazzled and have been working almost non-stop since 7 a.m. this morning. That was fourteen hours ago.

So I'm stepping back. Taking a moment to breathe. And growl into the blog. I don't mean to growl at you but somedays you just have to stand on the rooftops and curse. I hope you don't mind too much. I'll return to my regular insanity on the weekend.

Until then, here is a very young male deer that walked in front of our house last week at 3 o'clock in the afternoon along with his sister. It's rare to see them out during the day but even rarer to see them walk down the street like that. I found the encounter magical, although now I just hope that they found their way back to the woods okay.

Then I'm Happy and Sad For You

It's been an odd weekend. A really odd weekend. It's been a weekend of both extreme happiness and extreme sadness. I've laughed heartily and I've cried miserably, within hours of each other. I've had warm bear hugs that warmed my heart and I've had consolation hugs that offered comfort.

My weekend started on Friday much like so many of them do. I had taken a half-day so we could drive up to Minneapolis for a friend's birthday party. The half-day was more fortunate that I realized. At 11:30 my department was called into a meeting to say that our boss had been let go. Now this was not just a boss the way I've had bosses before. This was a friend. We were all in shock. Some of the department was going out for lunch, just to get out of the office. I called Jeff to see if he could pick me up a bit early. I sent my now former boss an email to see if he needed anything. Jeff came right at the perfect moment, just in time for me to start crying. The office won't be the same without him around.

The drive up was okay but I was still pretty upset. Once we got up there though I was distracted. There was dinner at a sub place with a good friend of ours before heading over to the birthday party. We saw a ton of  people that we only see twice or three times a year. So it was an evening of hugs, good conversation, plenty of food and friends, with some Rock Band thrown in. Jeff and I stayed late into the morning, finally leaving the party around 3, which is only about six hours after my bedtime. It was a great time.

The next morning my body woke me up at 8 a.m.. Stupid internal alarm clock. We had plans to take the birthday boy out for lunch. Partly to celebrate his big round number birthday (which will remain unnamed) but partly because the party had also been a going away party. He's moving south. I figured that this would be the last time I'd see him for quite a while so I wanted to squeeze as much time as I could out of the weekend. Lunch was filled with great conversation. When we walked out to the parking lot I was sad again. I gave him a long hug and a Take Care but there was so much more I would have like to say. While I know we'll keep in touch via emails and phone calls, it will be a while before we get to spend time in person. And I'll miss him.

My sadness was short lived though as we headed up to watch the Huskers destroy Minnesota. I'm not really a Huskers fan but we were actually surrounded by them as we watched the game. It's odd to be in a house in Minnesota rooting for them to be crushed. But root we did. And crush they did. We had a wonderful dinner with friends, talked about sports and babies and knitting, then we headed back to our friends house to watch the Cardinals game and talk. We talked about some tough subjects but they were amazing. Jeff and I slept in the kids rooms that night, so I can now say I've slept on Dora the Explorer sheets.

They woke us for breakfast of homemade french toast and the chance to go see a trapeze school do some flying. On Friday at the party we had met one of their friends who trapezes as a hobby. He invited us out. Jeff and I had planned to leave on Saturday but watching trapeze outdoors was too much to pass up. We stayed. But our times were off. We arrived after they had taken down the net for the season. No trapeze for us. Instead we gave hugs and headed home. It took us two extra hours. The poor kitty had licked her food bowl clean by the time we had gotten home. We had only expected to be gone 24 hours. I hadn't been home in almost 72. And it was a weekend filled with highs and lows. It went from one extreme to the other. And sometimes that's okay. I know that this will work out. It's just odd right now.

White Knight Syndrome

I've been falling prey to white knight syndrome lately. You know the syndrome. The princess locked in her high tower waits for the white knight to ride up on his horse and save her. What she does while locked in the tower is anyone's guess. The stories don't cover that part. I imagine her twiddling her thumbs. Lately I've been feeling like that princess, locked in my tower of a job, waiting for Jeff to finish school and come save me.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend that turned odd. And got me thinking. I continued the coversation long after we had signed off (I'm a writer. Having conversations with people who aren't there is par for the course) and I came to some conclusions. There aren't any white knights and honestly, saving myself will feel far more satisfying anyway. I'm waiting on the wrong thing. Or more to the point, waiting is the wrong thing. I'm the kind of girl who's never liked towers and waiting. So last night I decided to break out of this passivity.

It's odd. I've never been a particularly passive person. I'm quiet and bookish and deliberate. But not passive. After all, my anthem in college was "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Defranco. In the last couple years I've noticed that I've been feeling more and more trapped. And that stems from my increasing passivity. Last night I decided to stop waiting. No I'm not doing anything drastic. Jeff will still have the option to finish school. But I'm going to apply for the jobs I want. I'm going to write the books I want. I'm going to do what I need to do to be happy (something Jeff is constantly reminded me to do). That way, when Jeff is finished with school, I won't need saving. I'll already be happy and smiling and saved.

Ten Trillion Dollars

I posted a couple of posts ago about my friend Jason who passed away last month. I had written a bit about my feelings and a little about how I was dealing. But I don't think I mentioned that I had purchase something to remember him by. A bit of a tribute if you could call it that.

One of Jason's prized possessions in the last couple months of his life was a 10 trillion dollar bill from Zimbabwe. He had bought it on Amazon and paid next to nothing for it. The bill itself is probably worth less than $.50 which is just horribly sad when I think about it. But Jason was thrilled when he got it and rushed up to my office to show me the ludicrously large bill. He opened his wallet with a huge grin and said "I'm a trillionaire!".

After that he'd bring out his bill and show people around the office. He was so excited just to have something that odd. He bought a frame and framed the bill for his office. After his death, the bill was the thing I latched onto. It was an incredible reminder of his passion for unusual things. So last week I finally hopped on ebay and bought one for myself. I paid a ridiculously low amount for mine and today it finally arrived. I'm taking it into the office tomorrow and I'll buy a frame and put it up. It may not be worth much in the real world, but for me, this bill is priceless.

Just a Little Tilted

I've been talking about photography a lot at work lately. Our new IT guy shoots photography in his spare time and my boss has a business selling art photography and t-shirts (more on that later). One of my conversations today about photography turned interesting. While I was waiting for my computer to have some software installed this afternoon, I was talking with Jeff, our new desktop guy and he happened to mention making miniatures. The conversation went a little something like this.

Him: It's like creating miniatures in photo.

Me: You mean tilt-shift?

Him: Exactly, how do you know about tilt-shift?

Me: Are you kidding, I'm fascinated by that type of photography. What types of things have you done?

Him: I've taken a couple downtown shots. I just have fun with it.

Me: You'll have to bring them in to show me. I would love to see them. It's something I've always wanted to learn.

Him: It's actually really easy. I can show you how to create them.

At this point I'm salivating. Not only does he do tilt-shift work but he'd be willing to show me how to do it. Of the long list of things that I would like to learn, this is right there at the top. Of course now that means I'll have to actually take some real photos. And pick up photoshop.

arcticnomad

If you've forgotten, tilt-shift photography is taking photographs, blurring the edges and creating miniature scenes from real landscapes. It is taking what are often sweeping aerial views and making them look like models. I've posted some Olivo Barbieri images before but here are some other tilt shift images to get your imagination going.

mcsixth

I'll check with Jeff to see if I can post some of his images.

B Tal

Losing and Living

I'm back! Hopefully for good. I decided I needed to step away from the blog world for a while after I changed jobs. As you probably know I moved into a new section of the office a couple of weeks ago and was trying to get adjusted. The new office came with a window, a new team, and a whole host of new duties. I took the week to settle into my spot on the team. But I didn't have long to be settled.

I started with the new group on Friday. The next Thursday one of my team members, and a close, close friend passed away. He was 31. When he didn't arrive at work that morning we called. When he still didn't arrive I called his fiance who's a friend of mine. And just about that same time we found out about his death. I was completely undone. Jason was an amazing friend, an amazing person, and well...simply amazing. He and I started talking because he happened to be a scuba diver, and I dive as well. That led to other conversations about books and flying and ghost hunting. And those conversations started leading to lunches. We talked about everything. And Jason always had great stories to tell.

Jason was friends with almost everyone in our department and as I was soon to find out with quite a few people from all walks of life. His memorial was standing room only. I wept for most of the service. And I laughed at the stories that others had about him. Jason would have wanted me to laugh. After the funeral me, Jeff, and a coworker headed out for drinks in Jason's honor. Then the next day I headed back to the office. An office that would never really be the same.

I've shut down for the last three weeks. I haven't read any blogs. I haven't read my comics. I haven't even spent much time online. I've focused all my attention on work, reading, and knitting. Over the last two weeks I've covered my work and Jason's work and I've still paused every time I walked past his cubicle. My new team has been fantastic and I'm really happy at work. But I still miss my friend.

So these past couple weeks I've read and knitted since I didn't seem to have a brain for anything else. And today I'm finally starting to feel like it's time to go back to living. Jason would have wanted me too. He lived fully. He did more in his short life than I will probably do in 50 years. He packed his life full of experiences. It's time I started heading back towards living. Time to reconnect. And I'll start to think about moving on but I'll never forget. This post is for you, Jason. I'll miss you, buddy.

I Think a Change Will Do Me Good

I'm sitting in my temporary office writing this on my lunch break. The department has been undergoing a physical reorganization (which is a fancy way of saying that they're moving everyone around). I'm moving from my huge cubicle on the first floor, up to the third floor for the next two weeks, and then down to the second floor in my permanent home. It's a lot of moving in a short period of time but it seems to be having a good effect on my psyche.

I've been working in the same cubicle on the same floor surrounded by the same people for the last four years. Everyone has been incredibly nice and the space was very large, but I had recently decided that I was ready for a change. I wanted something new. And this move is making me see my old office in a new way. I have a different breakroom, I have a different bathroom, I have different walls. Everything looks different and feels different. It's actually wonderful. I'm enjoying the newness of everything.

Next week I move to my permanent location, a sunny cubicle with a window and an Eastern exposure. I'll have new neighbors and a new boss. I'll even have some new duties. And I have to tell you, I couldn't be more excited. It's amazing how much a change of scenery helps. I'm happy, I'm productive, and I'm comfortable. It's a good day.

Have Thermos, Will Travel

In an effort to save money (and the environment) I've stopped picking up coffee each morning. For the last three years I have been a dedicated Caribou girl. Each morning I would stop and pick up a large dark roast to take to work. On Fridays it would be accompanied by a piece of Cinnamon Coffee Cake or a French Toast Muffin. My treat for making it through the week.

But you don't have to be a math major to figure out how fast that adds up. A large coffee with tax is $2.11. A large coffee with pastry is $4 something. Over the course of a week that works out to $13, and that's only if I don't tip. So this week I stopped going. I drove past Caribou and went straight to work. But don't even get the idea that I've stopped drinking coffee. In fact, I'm drinking far more than ever.

A couple years ago I bought a Thermos brand thermos, which came in incredibly handy when I broke my ankle. And while I would make coffee at home occasionally, I never really used the thermos. Now I keep wondering why. My thermos can hold most of a pot of coffee and the amount left over is perfect for a travel mug (it's like they planned it that way :-) ). The thermos can keep the coffee hot for at least eight hours which means that I can have wonderfully hot coffee in the afternoon, if it lasts that long. So I've started making coffee at home and taking it to work.

Now instead of a 20 oz coffee to start my day, I drink an entire pot...of decaf. I know that I shouldn't drink an entire pot of regular every morning (not that I can't) so I brew decaf. I've set up my coffee pot to delay brew and have fresh piping hot decaf ready for me each morning. So far I haven't noticed the lack of caffeine. The only thing I worried is that I would miss the coffee lid. I used to hate drinking coffee through those tiny slit lid. Now I find that I'm addicted. I love how slow it allows me to drink, savoring my coffee for hours while still keeping it hot. Luckily the folks at DC Craft have my back. This is the "I Am Not a Paper Cup" cup. Refillable, washable, it comes with a silicone lid and silicone wrap for my hand. It holds almost 20 ounces and makes me incredibly happy. So in one week I've gone from Caribou addict to happily self-sufficient. If only my meals were that easy.

Excel Man

This is why I should never be allowed to bring a laptop into a boring meeting. This is the picture of boredom. I made him in Excel.

Toxicity

I try hard to be a relatively nice person. After years of being tormented in grade school and middle school, I'm pretty well aware of what is hurtful. I try never to cause any person or animal suffering. I may joke occasionally with someone in a teasing manner but I try to make sure I don't hurt any feelings or if I do I apologize quickly.

That said, I have a countdown going for the number of hours that I have to deal with a coworker of mine. She's retiring today and I'm literally counting down the hours. I feel crappy about saying that but it's true. I've met a few negative people in my life but this woman takes the cake. She's what most psychologists would consider a toxic person. And to be honest, the negativity coming from her office has been starting to affect me.

When I first started at the office, four years ago, I was a bit worried to hear deep heavy sighs coming from the office across from me. The first time or so I walked over to see if everything was okay. And after listening to 45 minutes of everything that was wrong in her life, I backed away and didn't come back. Now I realized that she sighs all the time, hundreds of times a day. I don't even hear it anymore. I've heard this woman swear at customer service personnel in some of the nastiest ways. I've heard her complain to coworkers over and over about how nothing is going right in her life. I've even had her approach me a couple of times to ask how I'm doing just so she can rant about how terrible everything is for her. And even when things are going fine she can always find something to complain about.

And it really is starting to affect me. I try not to let anyone else dictate my mood but it's been hard to listen to her verbally put people down over and over without finding myself smirk a little at her misfortunes. If she was even a bit sweeter I would try to befriend her. I assume that she's lonely but I've heard nothing but nastiness come out of her mouth. Everyone hates to come to ask her for anything. So I roll my eyes when she starts yelling at yet another person. I smirk a bit when she complains to a neighbor about her financial/health/relationship/work...woes. And I hope that when she's finally gone, I can stop being so mean. I feel bad about disliking her. I've even gone as far as calling her a troll. But I think her toxicity is wearing off on me. Luckily I only have about four more hours to go with her. I think I'll breath a sigh of relief when she's gone. Heck I may even give a deep satisfied sigh.

Pressure...Pushing Down on Me

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

There's a saying that I've heard used in pretty much every context imaginable. What I've realized this week is that I'm not "the tough". I apparently don't handle pressure well. It's a odd fact that the more pressure I have on me, the more I shut down. So while I'm handling what seems like endless and endlessly frustrating work projects at work, I simply shut down at home. I've been completely unproductive this week while home. I've fallen behind on all of my communication, can't even stand to check email, and have been avoiding the phone. I've done not a bit of housework this week, which Jeff has sweetly taken care of. And I don't even want to look at a computer.

The blog has been a bit of a casualty. This may be one of my least productive weeks blog wise. Which of course is interesting in itself. I've set an odd deadline for myself blog wise and that too is creating pressure for me. I've started blog posts numerous times only to abandon them a couple lines in. All because of this deadline. The funny thing is that I was just writing without worry, I would have had a ton of posts done. As you guys know, I'm not too picky about what I put out here. But with this deadline I seem to have frozen up.

So it's time for me to take a step back. Yes the work projects have to be done by a certain time. Yes my life after work has been a bit crazy lately. No I'm not going to let that affect the blog from now on. I'm also not going to think about this completely arbitrary deadline I've set for myself. And remember that this is all about play and not about work. Hopefully that can take away some of the pressure. And keep me going. Because apparently "when the going gets tough", I take a mental sabbatical.

Poetry Friday

I haven't done a Poetry Friday in a while and I figure I'm about due. I've been thinking about which poem to post all week. On Wednesday I had decided it would be Jorie Graham's The Way Things Work, mostly because I tend to repeat the last line as something of a mantra. "The way things work is that eventually something catches." Not sure why that lines sticks with me but it does.

But today I'm in a silly mood. I just finished a very, very, very (can I stress the VERY) frustrating work project and I feel like I can breath a little easier. So today is something silly, a little ditty by Ogden Nash. I've been reading through his collected works and am constantly beset by smirks (sorry too much rhyming poetry). For those of you with children, this may seem familiar. For me, it just makes me laugh.

Children's Party
by Ogden Nash

May I join you in the doghouse, Rover?
I wish to retire till the party's over.
Since three o'clock I've done my best
To entertain each tiny guest.

My conscience now I've left behind me,
And if they want me, let them find me.
I blew their bubbles, I sailed their boats,
I kept them from each other's throats.

I told them tales of magic lands,
I took them out to wash their hands.
I sorted their rubbers and tied their laces,
I wiped their noses and dried their faces.

Of similarities there's lots
Twixt tiny tots and Hottentots.
I've earned repose to heal the ravages
Of these angelic-looking savages.

Oh, progeny playing by itself
Is a lonely little elf,
But progeny in roistering batches
Would drive St. Francis from here to Natchez.

Shunned are the games a parent proposes,
They prefer to squirt each other with hoses,
Their playmates are their natural foemen
And they like to poke each other's abdomen.

Their joy needs another woe's to cushion it,
Say a puddle, and someone littler to push in it.
They observe with glee the ballistic results
Of ice cream with spoons for catapults,

And inform the assembly with tears and glares
That everyone's presents are better than theirs.
Oh, little women and little men,
Someday I hope to love you again,

But not till after the party's over,
So give me the key to the doghouse, Rover

Not Quite All Here

I'm back. I had a fantastic weekend of visiting family in St. Louis and now I'm back. Kind of. We've actually been back in town since Monday night but I'm still not back up and running at full steam yet. The weekend was so fantastic and relaxing that I can't quite get back into my usual routine.

We traveled down to St. Louis on Friday and had dinner at Jeff's brother's house. It was a wonderful evening and we ended up staying until late. The next day Jeff and his dad and I headed out to The Magic House, a children's museum that I've been wanting to go to for years now. It was a interesting museum and even though we weren't exactly the target audience, we managed to spend three or so hours enjoying. The museum was busy but not so much so that we couldn't play with the exhibits ourselves. The evening was spent with ice cream (from local institution Ted Drewes) and dominoes with Jeff's parents.

On Sunday we were joined by Jeff's brother and his wife on a tour of the St. Louis Zoo (thanks for braving the heat guys). I love a good zoo and this one is one of the nicest free zoos in the country. I loved the new penguin house and the old-fashioned reptile house. But after about two hours, the sun and the crowds got to all of us and we escaped to find some beer and lunch. After lunch I ended up taking a long (3 hour) nap before getting up for a snack and more dominoes.

We drove home on Monday to a very happy kitty and a day of relaxing. My scheduled Monday off had fallen on Memorial Day so I was granted another day. Tuesday Jeff and I went out hiking and then did some grocery shopping. The evening was spent listening to the rain and watching old Phineas and Ferb episodes. A complete waste of a day but a wonderful one. So when the alarm clock went off this morning I was a bit unprepared to return to the real world. My work inbox was crammed with requests so I hadn't even found a moment to post. Thank god for lunch hour. Although I'm back in the office today, I'm still not all here. Five days off might be a little too much.

Sweet Scheduling

First of all I want you to know that I'm a freak when it comes to trips. I love to travel and the excitement of each trip often starts for me the moment I realize that I'm actually going to get to go. That's even before the trip is booked. I plan so far in advance that Jeff is usually tired of hearing about the place by the time we actually get there. I read guidebooks and fiction about the place, scour maps, read website reviews, do Google image searches, and generally about two months out I start a countdown to the beginning of the trip. Did I mention I'm a freak?

So yesterday on my lunch hour I worked out my countdown to this upcoming trip in July. I listed out all the days on an excel spreadsheet until we leave. I then counted the number of days. But that wasn't enough for this one. I highlighted all the days that were weekends for me, so then I counted the number of work days and made that its own column. Workdays tend to go slower than weekend days and practically count double in my book. Then, because I really am a geek, I figured out the workday/weekend day ratio for each of the days. That's when I looked at my schedule and realized something incredible.

I only have one weekend until the beginning of August that is a standard two day weekend. The rest are all three day weekends or more. In fact I only have two full five day weeks until the beginning of August as well. I'm going to forget what a normal schedule feels like, and I'm really excited about that. One of the only bonuses of these stupid furlough days is that I'm taking a lot more three day weekends. Add that to my already odd schedule where every other week I have a Monday off and you get a pretty sweet looking schedule. And all the days off in June and early July are without having to take a single day of vacation. It's a pretty sweet looking schedule.

So I may not actually need this trip to help me relax. I may have a relaxing enough summer without it. But I'm not reading all those guidebooks and plowing through Michener's Alaska for nothing.

Glossophobia

No it's not the fear of shiny things. And it's not the feel of slick floors. It's a much more common fear and one that has kept me from posting for the last couple of days. Glossophobia is the fear of public speaking, something that I and most of the rest of the world shares. Fear of public speaking (or stage fright) is the most common fear in the world. It's more common than fear of spiders or the dark or clowns (and we all know how creepy those clowns can be).

So when a gentleman from a different agency called me last week and asked me whether I would be willing to speak at his group's annual meeting, I said...um...oh....you know how much of a terrible speaker I am...well...Okay...sure....I'd love to. I'm so eloquent huh? So all last week I fretted about this speech but didn't bother to sit down and actually write it. Over the weekend I fretted more, and slept a lot less, and still didn't write the damn thing. It was only when Sunday night came that I started writing. On Monday (my day off) I worked up a proper speech, created a powerpoint to go along with it, and practiced a couple of time. On Tuesday I was moody, stressed, cramped up, and still not sleeping. I went home that night and practiced a bunch more times. I still wasn't feeling ready but Wednesday morning rolled around anyway. And I went off to speak.

It's strange how when you're talking about something you know, you end up not needing any notes. I spoke for 35 minutes, never once stuttering too badly. I took questions, I made jokes, and overall I think it went really well. Of the three people presenting that day I felt that mine was the most on target. And afterwards I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd had fun. I'd gotten some compliments. And I'd managed to actually sound like I knew what I was talking about. This is the fourth speech I've given this year and so far it was the most relaxing. I might be getting better. Shedding a little of that phobia. At least until the next speaking opporturnity comes around. Then it will be...well...um...you know how much I hate speaking...well...Okay and a couple more sleepless nights.

Bad Work Day Blues

Warning: Today is a downer of a post. I'll understand if you want to skip my pathetic whining. I would.

I should have stayed home this morning. I woke up exhausted which is never a good thing. I took forever to get dressed because I couldn't seem to concentrate long enough to make any decisions, or even figure out what I was doing. I thought about calling in sick for the day (something I rarely do) but couldn't think of a reason. I can't bring myself to not go to work because of a bad brain day.

But now that I'm here I'm wondering if I made the right choice. I can't seem to concentrate on any of the multiple projects. Nothing has a strict deadline so I'm not feeling the rush of adrenaline. Even the caffeine isn't helping. It's pretty clear that I don't want to be here and am slacking off because of it. This has been one of my least productive days in quite a while.

It certainly doesn't help that things have changed so much around here. About a month ago my boss got fired (for something he didn't do) and with that went my reason for being here. I took the job because of my boss. He mentioned that I should apply for it. I thought it would be interesting to work with him. I left a job I loved (the skipping to work, can't wait to get there, kind of love) and instantly regretted it. The money was better but the job wasn't. It was a step away from what I really wanted to be doing. But I stayed. I didn't want to leave too quickly. After two years I started looking at new jobs and didn't get them. I started job hunting big time. So far with no luck. It's been four years now and I'm starting to feel trapped here. Add onto that the fact that my reason for taking the job is gone and you can see my level of motivation.

I'll still do a good job. I always have. But I haven't been giving 110 percent in a while and that bothers me. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been ingrained with a work ethic and to let that slide a bit, makes me sad. I'm still applying. Still looking. And still working. But today is just a little harder than other days. Today I really have to rev myself up just to stay in place. Today is just a really bad work day.

Vending Machine Silliness

The website MthruF is a blog that is part of the Cheezburger group of humor sites. MthruF focuses on funny work related pictures. One of today's images was so much fun that I had to share it. It's a light post but it made me crack up laughing. And I'm off work today and not really in the mood to post too much. Enjoy the silliness.

Delivery Pains

I'm going to get hate mail on this one but it's what's on my mind.

One of the younger guys in my office and his wife had a baby on Monday. The couple had been trying for a long time and news of her pregnancy had been the talk of the office for the last couple months. All the talk was surprising considering that there are plenty of people in this office who I don't even know if they are married or not. I've overheard coworkers who have been working together for 15 years of so asking whether the other has kids. It's not a gossipy office. Most people just go to their cubes and work. So when the father started telling everyone, and I mean everyone, word spread and people got excited.

The baby was born on Monday. It was planned. The office received news that afternoon about the details and a couple pictures. The father was taking the week off to spend time with his new daughter and his wife. So I was a tad shocked when he walked into the office this morning, went to his desk, and started working. Two days after his wife delivers their first child he is back at work, and on a vacation day. Now I can't think of anything in the world that would make me come into the office on a vacation day. Perhaps I'm just not as attached to my job as I should be. But to come in two days after having a baby seems a bit extreme.

So all this morning I've been wondering why. Is there just so much stuff to do at the office that he felt the need to come into work? This young man is busy like the rest of us but I can't think of anything that couldn't wait a week or so. Now he's always been a bit of a workaholic but as a woman, I know I wouldn't have let my husband out of the house two days after a birth. If it's not work, is it the fact that he now has to deal with both his wife and his mother-in-law. But then why come into the office. He's on vacation. I would go anywhere except the office when I'm on vacation. The only other thing I can think of is that he is coming to work to relax. A new baby is stressful. There is the lack of quiet and lack of sleep. There is the constant stress of taking care of a brand new life. That explanation makes sense to me. I doubt that this young man gave too much thought to how much his life was going to change after having a baby. I can only imagine that he is here to rest. But I still think that his wife should probably be pissed. I know I would be.