White Knight Syndrome

I've been falling prey to white knight syndrome lately. You know the syndrome. The princess locked in her high tower waits for the white knight to ride up on his horse and save her. What she does while locked in the tower is anyone's guess. The stories don't cover that part. I imagine her twiddling her thumbs. Lately I've been feeling like that princess, locked in my tower of a job, waiting for Jeff to finish school and come save me.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend that turned odd. And got me thinking. I continued the coversation long after we had signed off (I'm a writer. Having conversations with people who aren't there is par for the course) and I came to some conclusions. There aren't any white knights and honestly, saving myself will feel far more satisfying anyway. I'm waiting on the wrong thing. Or more to the point, waiting is the wrong thing. I'm the kind of girl who's never liked towers and waiting. So last night I decided to break out of this passivity.

It's odd. I've never been a particularly passive person. I'm quiet and bookish and deliberate. But not passive. After all, my anthem in college was "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Defranco. In the last couple years I've noticed that I've been feeling more and more trapped. And that stems from my increasing passivity. Last night I decided to stop waiting. No I'm not doing anything drastic. Jeff will still have the option to finish school. But I'm going to apply for the jobs I want. I'm going to write the books I want. I'm going to do what I need to do to be happy (something Jeff is constantly reminded me to do). That way, when Jeff is finished with school, I won't need saving. I'll already be happy and smiling and saved.

Bernie

As a state employee I get tomorrow off. I'm looking forward to hopefully sleeping in, getting some things done around the house, and maybe some reading. When I first started working for the state I thought I would get all those wonderful bank holidays as well. You know, the ones like Columbus Day or President's Day. Instead I get Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Veteran's day only. Not that I'm complaining. Most people don't get that. 

So Veteran's Day is tomorrow and I should be thinking of all the soldiers overseas who are serving our country. While I am a Pacifist, I still support our troops. I may not like why they are there but I can certainly show my appreciation. 

But Veteran's Day always makes me think of Bernie. The year I was born my father decided that he wanted to take up the guitar. He signed up for a continuing Ed course and it was there he met Bernie. Bernie was in his mid fifties and my dad was in his mid thirties but they struck up something of a friendship. After the class was over Bernie would come over once a week to play guitar with my dad. I grew up around this man. It was so regular to see him each week that in the summer when he was up at his cabin was strange. There are certain songs, like Greensleeves and Edelweiss, that I can't hear without thinking of my dad and Bernie. 

Now Bernie is a veteran. He gave his leg and most of the movement in his right hand to World War II. He was doing artillery for the Army when they were hit by a randomly aimed shell. Three of the guys in his group died. He was happy to have just lost a leg. He would tell us stories of being lost at sea on a disabled destroyer. He told us of his time in France. But mostly I learned about attitude from him. 

Bernie could have come back as shattered as his leg. Instead he remembers just being happy to be alive. He worked for years at the Veteran's Administration, working his way up the chain. But it was when he retired that Bernie really started to work. He started a band, called the Old Timer's Band, that plays in retirement homes and community centers for free. You would think that would be easy. A great volunteer gig. But Bernie takes it seriously. The band did 363 gigs last year. There were days when he would do two gigs, traveling miles between locations. Sometimes they come in the summer when the weather is nice, sometimes in the snows of winter. Bernie says he loves it. He can't imagine doing anything else. And for a man of 88, with only one good leg, he certainly gets around well. 

His attitude is what makes me so impressed with him. Bernie will tell you he's doing what he loves. He lost his wife two years ago, and he could be feeling sorry for himself, but he is constantly thinking of others. He knows the older people love to hear the music so he goes. He loves to play so he never misses a gig. So tomorrow, even as I look forward to it as a day off, I'll be thinking of Bernie. Even though we're expecting snow he'll be out driving to his gig. I just hope I have his energy when I get older. And his attitude.