Imperfection

I've never claimed to be perfect. In fact, I'm not even a perfectionist. Jeff will rip out his knitting over and over and over until he has it perfect. If I find an error in my work I'll go back and fix it if the solution is easy. Otherwise I'm more than happy to just accept that there will be issues with my knitting project. My current mittens (my first pair) have one thumb that is inside out. I still wear them, mostly proudly.

So why is it that when I come to other creative work (writing, drawing, painting) or dieting, I expect myself to be perfect. I sit down to write, put one sentence on the screen, and instantly erase it because the words aren't perfect. I write half a story and then stop because so far it hasn't been the masterpiece I'm looking for. I draw images of small furry animals and then instantly erase them because they aren't perfect re-creations. It's frustrating.

And I'm even worse when it comes to dieting. In November I started writing my food choices down again. I'm trying to stay under an 1800 calorie diet. And most of the time it works well. I'm feeling better, I'm eating better. I've even started walking three to four days a week. And some days I go over calories. And it is a constantly struggle every time it happens not to give up and just eat whatever I want. I have to remind myself to just restart the next day. I'm demanding perfection of myself and that's not fair. No one is perfect. So my first drawings won't be masterpieces, my first drafts will be terrible, and each day I may or may not stay within my calorie limit. The important thing is that I keep trying, imperfections and all. Now if I could only remember that.

Does this wine make me look fat?

Saturday was beautiful so we had gone out disc golfing. So before we went I tried on a pair of last years shorts. Well I almost tried them on. No zipping. Then I pulled out another pair, and another. Until I was practically reduced to tears sitting among five pairs of shorts that wouldn't fit. Not even my new capris (that I bought last year and wore twice) fit. So I decided, on Saturday that I would start being good about what I ate and try to limit my portions. Ah good intentions!

And on Sunday those feelings were re-enforced watching the women's triathlon. Those women were in great shape. I told myself, I would start running and then I would eventually be in that kind of shape. And then dinner came. And this past week dinner has been an extravaganza. On Sunday we found ourselves at Cosi Cucina, a standard whenever my brother comes to visit. On Monday we ate at Sam & Gabe's, a local restaurant that makes my mouth water just thinking about it. And both nights I had glasses of wine (a new passion) and full meals. But I was still trying to be good. At Cosi I had a pasta with vegetables in a chicken stock broth, and amazingly no bread. At Sam & Gabes I had a beautiful grilled Ahi with mango salsa and asperagus on the side.

So I was trying to be good. The portions were big but at least it was healthy, and I took home leftovers. And then yesterday happened. Somehow my brain decided that nutrition wasn't all that important. Arby's for lunch (and not the healthy choices) followed by Perkins for dinner and then ice cream at home.

So I rationalized that it was one bad day out of a couple. Then I remembered. Tonight I'll be going out for pizza and beer with girls from my former work. I know me. I'll drink too much and then eat too much. And then tomorrow my uncle is in town so we are taking him out to the holy grail of restaurants in my book, Trostel's Dish. A beautiful, elegant, and amazingly tasty tapas place that makes me practically swoon. Can you tell I like food? And this one will be a dieting disaster. Small portions sure but there will be many, and I mean many. Imagine wine (again!!) and 25 plates to try. Plus a cheese platter and dessert. I should easily wake up five pounds heavier.

And what makes this worse is that I'm trying to lose weight for this upcoming trip we are taking. Jeff and I are taking our first cruise in September. My goal was to at least be presentable in a swimsuit. I'd like to wear those shorts and capris that would work so well in the tropics. So I'll have to be good next week. My diet always seems to start tomorrow.