No Instruction Manual

A couple years ago I had an epiphany. It should have been something that had occurred to me years ago but I can be slow sometimes. I realized that no one gets an instruction manual when they are born. No one has things all work out. We are all playing it by ear. I'll repeat, we are all playing it by ear. That simple phrase stopped me in my tracks. It struck me like the proverbial thunderbolt. I remember stopping on the street and gasping at the simpleness and brilliance of the idea. And this was at 33 (see told you I was slow).

Through most of my life I've felt inept at things. Other people seem so much better at navigating life then I do. I seem to struggle to do everyday things more than most other people. I've always wanted to be smooth and perfect and it always seemed like I was clumsy and inept while other people weren't. And I used to feel bad about that, until this epiphany. This simple statement that we are all playing it by ear, made me realize that I'm not alone. That no one is working through the designated plan. That no one starts life, knowing instinctively how to give a business speech, or how to paint like Van Gogh. And more importantly, no one knows where their life is going. It's being made up on a daily basis. That was stunning to me.

And it opened the door to allow me to be imperfect. I no longer had to be smooth and polished, I could be fumbling and untaught. I could learn at my own pace. I could make mistakes left and right. I'm not inept, I'm learning. Now when I beat myself up for mistakes, I remember that they are all mistakes other people have made. We all start out with the same lack of knowledge. We all start out with the same idea that we should have a direction or a plan in life. And none of us do. We are all playing it by ear. And that is liberating.

Imperfection

I've never claimed to be perfect. In fact, I'm not even a perfectionist. Jeff will rip out his knitting over and over and over until he has it perfect. If I find an error in my work I'll go back and fix it if the solution is easy. Otherwise I'm more than happy to just accept that there will be issues with my knitting project. My current mittens (my first pair) have one thumb that is inside out. I still wear them, mostly proudly.

So why is it that when I come to other creative work (writing, drawing, painting) or dieting, I expect myself to be perfect. I sit down to write, put one sentence on the screen, and instantly erase it because the words aren't perfect. I write half a story and then stop because so far it hasn't been the masterpiece I'm looking for. I draw images of small furry animals and then instantly erase them because they aren't perfect re-creations. It's frustrating.

And I'm even worse when it comes to dieting. In November I started writing my food choices down again. I'm trying to stay under an 1800 calorie diet. And most of the time it works well. I'm feeling better, I'm eating better. I've even started walking three to four days a week. And some days I go over calories. And it is a constantly struggle every time it happens not to give up and just eat whatever I want. I have to remind myself to just restart the next day. I'm demanding perfection of myself and that's not fair. No one is perfect. So my first drawings won't be masterpieces, my first drafts will be terrible, and each day I may or may not stay within my calorie limit. The important thing is that I keep trying, imperfections and all. Now if I could only remember that.