Bad Work Day Blues

Warning: Today is a downer of a post. I'll understand if you want to skip my pathetic whining. I would.

I should have stayed home this morning. I woke up exhausted which is never a good thing. I took forever to get dressed because I couldn't seem to concentrate long enough to make any decisions, or even figure out what I was doing. I thought about calling in sick for the day (something I rarely do) but couldn't think of a reason. I can't bring myself to not go to work because of a bad brain day.

But now that I'm here I'm wondering if I made the right choice. I can't seem to concentrate on any of the multiple projects. Nothing has a strict deadline so I'm not feeling the rush of adrenaline. Even the caffeine isn't helping. It's pretty clear that I don't want to be here and am slacking off because of it. This has been one of my least productive days in quite a while.

It certainly doesn't help that things have changed so much around here. About a month ago my boss got fired (for something he didn't do) and with that went my reason for being here. I took the job because of my boss. He mentioned that I should apply for it. I thought it would be interesting to work with him. I left a job I loved (the skipping to work, can't wait to get there, kind of love) and instantly regretted it. The money was better but the job wasn't. It was a step away from what I really wanted to be doing. But I stayed. I didn't want to leave too quickly. After two years I started looking at new jobs and didn't get them. I started job hunting big time. So far with no luck. It's been four years now and I'm starting to feel trapped here. Add onto that the fact that my reason for taking the job is gone and you can see my level of motivation.

I'll still do a good job. I always have. But I haven't been giving 110 percent in a while and that bothers me. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been ingrained with a work ethic and to let that slide a bit, makes me sad. I'm still applying. Still looking. And still working. But today is just a little harder than other days. Today I really have to rev myself up just to stay in place. Today is just a really bad work day.

The L Word

The L word has been bandied around the office this morning. No, I wish it was love. The L word I refer to is layoffs. Government tend to fall behind the rest of the workforce in terms of impact. So after most of the general industry layoffs are done, then government gets its budget and starts trimming staff. We follow about six months behind the rest of the economy. Generally that means that we also recover slower as well.

This morning is an all staff meeting to discuss the situation. The budget cuts will be higher than expected and I'm suddenly worrying for my job. I know that many others have been affected more so I'm not whining. I look at my sister who has been out of work for a while now and realize how lucky I am. I still have a job. And I know that if I do lose my job I'll find another one. I'm willing to dig ditches if that's what pays the bills. I've decided that the only job I don't think I could do is animal processing (the industry term for slaughtering). Considering I can't even bring myself to eat meat, I probably wouldn't have the stomach for creating it.

Here is the weird part, I've been looking for a new job for over two years now. I should actually welcome a layoff. It would force me to be less picky (or at least give me the excuse to be). I've been wanting to get back into a library setting for a while now. But ever since Jeff said he is going back to school I have been clutching this job. It will pay the bills when he's not working. So suddenly I'm worried for my job. I have at least some headway. I should know in advance about layoffs and they won't take effect until July 1. But it's what I've been thinking about this morning.

Current Sacrifices for Future Rewards

The phrase "current sacrifices for future rewards" has been used in my house for a long time now. It reminds me that I need to give up a little with the possibility of a better tomorrow. We used it the first time when Jeff went back to school for pre-med. We were living on one small paycheck and eating a lot of mac and cheese and ramen. 

When we were both working I went back to school for my masters. I did it in my free time and that was my big sacrifice. For two years I had no real free time except for a two week break between each semester. I graduated finally in December of 2007. And we started saving immediately for a trip. I had wanted to go on a cruise to celebrate finishing school. We cut back on discretionary spending and again invoked the phrase. The trip, as my long term readers remember, was amazing. And for a while we were both working. 

The phrase has been used again this week. Jeff has decided to go back to school for actuarial science. He'll be going full time and again we'll be a one paycheck family. But this time around I'm doing better so there is much less sacrifice that way. Instead the sacrifice is in movement. My sister, last night, pointed me to a fun job that might be interesting. It's a little out of my comfort level but would get me back into the library world. But the problem is I'm doing too good right now. In order to survive this upcoming period (our current sacrifices) I'm going to have to stay where I'm at. And today I'm okay with that. I'm excited for Jeff and excited about the changes his new job will bring to our lives. And I'm excited that we're taking another step towards future rewards.  

Movin' on Up

First I have to tell you that I love the thought of moving. The actual process kind of tires me but I love the idea of moving. I enjoy looking at different jobs in different cities and then trying to figure out where I would live and what benefits the city would offer. I have spent hours on http://www.realtor.com/ looking at houses I will never even step foot into. I've spent tons of time on sites like http://www.city-data.com/ and http://www.bestplaces.net/ looking at cost comparisons and demographics for the cities. I have made plans to move to hundreds of different cities...but still have never left Des Moines.



The tough question is why? Why haven't I moved if I love the idea of it so much. There have been a lot of different reasons (family, job, house) but the main one seems to be that I haven't found the perfect town yet. All cities have their advantages and their flaws. The cities where the climate is perfect and the job market is growing tend to be expensive. The cheaper cities tend to be in cold climates or have high poverty rates. Yes you get what you pay for. I'm just trying to find one where I pay the right amount for what I get.



So after saying all of these things, why on god's green earth am I considering moving to the Twin Cities? It has all the things I dislike, high cost of living, cold winters, huge size, snow.... And that's where I run into problems. Other than repeating snow, ice, and cold over and over I can't think of anymore problems. Higher education rates, good group of friends already up there, lots of entertainment, beautiful surroundings, and a fantastic job possibility are all on my positives. And one thing that can't be quantified. I love the cities.



I have fallen in love with a couple different cities in the course of my life. These are places that I knew instantly I could live in. The Twin Cities were my first. My first very vivid trip there was at 12. And I decided then and there that I would live there. The feeling was only enhanced when I visited again at 16 and saw the place as an almost adult. It just felt like the right kind of energy for me. San Antonio was my second love. It is strange that I would live in San Antonio (high poverty) in a second but you couldn't pay me enough money to live in Dallas. Likewise I could live easily in Seattle but would not even look at a job in LA. I can't even begin to fathom why the thought of living in Kansas City makes me shudder but would be okay with St. Louis. And of course my dream city would be tropical, on the ocean, and well-educated. Then again my dream city would probably be unaffordable.



So why am I writing this? I have a position I want in the Twin Cities. It would be a dream job, challenging and interesting. Varied and unusual. And now I have to decide. Do I apply? Do I subject Jeff to the cold and snow that he hates? Do I live in the cities I love even if it means frustrating winters and possibly long commutes? Suddenly the prospect of moving is that much closer, and that much scarier.

{Edit}: My apologies to Em for this one. She had left me some beautiful comments. Such nice words and somehow I went and deleted them. Stupid computer. Emilie Thank you.

Revelations

Have you ever noticed how inspiration comes from the strangest spots? I was introduced to the Cabinet of Wonders blog today and spent some of my morning looking through it. I glanced at pictures of interesting doorways and architecture and toys, and I realized why I hate my job. Yes inspiration in the strangest spots. By the way, check out cabinet of wonders. It is a wonderful blog that covers a broad number of subjects in detail. I find the whole thing fascinating. http://cabinet-of-wonders.blogspot.com.

But while I was looking through it I realized that all my life has been about imagination, art, architecture, and stories. That is what I have been interested in since I was a child. The art I like tends to be whimsical. The stories I like tend to be imaginative. My favorite part of being in a new city is looking at new architecture. And I am either reading stories, telling myself stories, or writing stories. And none of those things involve facts. None!!!

So I'm currently working at a job that requires facts. Definate answers. Numbers that can be leaned on. And I'm expected to give them. My job is to provide the definate answers. And I just don't believe that they exist. So I dislike my job. I go to work every day waiting for the day when I can't provide the answers or when the answers I gave are proved wrong.

In a library setting that would be different. A researcher would come in looking for information on Gaudi. I would provide them with books and materials on the architect. They would find their own numbers from those. There are a ton of sources to choose from. And no definate answers. It has been quite a revelation this morning.

This reminds me of a Brian Andreas print I have in my stairway. It is the first one I ever bought and the one I knew I had to have. Not suprising he does whimsical art that combines childlish drawings with very insightful text. I'll post a picture of it when I get home but the text says.

Place to Fly

She kept asking me if the stories were true. I kept asking her if it mattered. We finally gave up. She was looking for a place to stand and I wanted a place to fly.

Brian Andreas www.storypeople.com