Getting Back on the Horse

I'm not always good about facing my fears. I still have problems with wax museums, no matter how many I've been to. Yes I'm afraid of wax figures. Completely irrational, I know. Based entirely on one horrible childhood experience. I'll tell you about it one day. I did manage to get over my fear of driving in winter so that now I can actually get to work and back without white-knuckling it. But currently I've developed a new fear. And this one is a bit more incapacitating.

I'm terrified right now of walking on ice. I have these great ice clamps for my crutches. I have YakTraks for my shoes. I can even walk with both feet on the ground. Yet through all this, I'm still terrified of walking on ice. So when the state was hit with almost a half an inch of freezing rain yesterday, I decided to stay home from work. Jeff didn't have class and I didn't want to walk outside. I've already had my crutches come flying out from under me on wet tile, and a small patch of ice on the driveway. I wasn't ready for hockey rink type ice.

I know this fear isn't irrational. My little sister texted me yesterday morning to say that I shouldn't go out. I took her advice (Thanks Em!) and emailed my boss. Everyone is very understanding, particularly with my situation but when I woke up this morning I knew I had to go. Even though the sidewalks are still very slick and there have been hundreds of falls throughout the city, I knew that if I didn't go out I never would. I'd be constantly afraid of the ice and never willing to set foot on anything slippery. So I went to work, and shocker of all shockers, I didn't fall. I didn't even slip once. The drive had been salted. The roads were in good shape. And I made it to work without so much as a misplaced crutch. It may not seem all that brave to you, but I consider it a first step in facing a mostly rational fear.

Good Health News

This break has been one of the most difficult and frustrating things in my life. I don't even want to admit the number of times that I've thought about just staying in and not leave the house for the next couple months. I've thought about never leaving the couch unless I had to. I've been in pain, afraid, and frustrated by hauling myself around on my hands. I've nearly fallen from the crutches hundreds of times. Anyone who tells you that crutches are no big deal is lying...or selling you something.

But with all this frustrating something else has happened. I'm amazed at how easily I can be made happy. The first time I dressed myself with the boot on was a moment of joy. The first time I opened a door on my own I was texting Jeff to share my excitement. When I first learned the step to get into the house, I was practically in tears with joy. I've become easy to please.

And today was a great day. I went to the doctor and finally got my staples out. The wounds are healing well and soon I won't be needing gauze or the ace bandage. But even better news was that I can start bending my ankle. In fact I should be working nightly to bend and flex the foot to improve mobility. The first time the doctor helped me bend my foot back felt bizarre. Apparently my ankle has forgotten how to move.

And that wasn't even the best news. The big thing is that I can finally start putting weight on the foot. I'm shocked!!! Two weeks after surgery and I can start putting 10-20 pounds on the foot. That's enough to use my leg to steady myself. I'm four legged now. And I'm so thankful. It took Jeff months before he could step on his foot again (he didn't have surgery) and I'm starting to walk after just two weeks. I could have kissed my doctor when he said it. And I'm on a perpetual high today. Yesterday I hardly left the couch if I didn't have to (I've been having a lot of pain in my hands) and today I'm up and moving as often as possible. I would say that I'm easy to please but this was just way too good of information. I feel like I'm really on the road to recovery now.