Momentary Maternal Mood

This is my nephew Callen. I just spent the weekend in St. Louis with him, his parents, and my in-laws. We had a fantastic weekend filled with visiting, playing, and watching the Cardinals win (Go Cards!). But most of the weekend was spent holding, playing, adoring, and helping out as best I could with my 5 month old nephew. 

Now nothing against my other nieces, nephews, and friends children, but this little guy has to be one of the most well behaved, quiet, and smiley children I've ever met. This is a little guy who laughed when he got his first shots. He smiles at everything. He almost never cries. He was sleeping four or five hours at a a stretch within days of birth. In other words, he's the kind of child every parent wished they had. 

And I was suckered in. He was so smiley, so happy, so easy to snuggle with and help with. I actually found myself thinking about motherhood. I thought to myself that if I could guarantee that this is what my child would be like I would sign up without a thought. I guess Jeff echoed the same feelings when asked by Callen's mother Jen. I watched her feed him, I read to him and snuggled with him, I watched his first bath in the big tub (he'll be very angry with me one day for posting this picture). I was fascinated. And for a moment I thought about being a mother. 

Then we decided to spell Jen and take care of the little one for an hour or two while she did some grocery shopping alone. He slept for a little while and woke up a bit fussy. This was odd. We had heard him fuss once the entire time we had been there. And it hadn't even been real fussing. Just a single whine or two. But now he was a tad fussy. So we changed him and I walked him around and he settled down. He relaxed enough to go back to sleep. 

And when he woke up, he was a totally different baby. He was hungry. And we were unprepared. He cried. He screamed. We hadn't heard more than a little whimper all weekend and here he was crying so hard he was coughing. I held him while Jeff started getting food ready. I tried to soothe him. I walked around, I sang, I rocked. But nothing helped. I came very close to handing him to Jeff and hiding in the bathroom. Here was the perfect child, screaming because of something I'd done, or failed to do. He cried while we fed him. It was only when we skipped the cereal and gave him his bottle that he settled. Then the smiles were back. But by then I had been reminded. I'm not cut out for parenthood. I'm just not. I sighed a sweet smile when mom came home and I could unload groceries instead. I love my new nephew, just like I love all my nieces and nephews and godchildren and friend's children. I love taking care of them for a while and then handing them back. No offense Jen. He is an amazing child. 

Delivery Pains

I'm going to get hate mail on this one but it's what's on my mind.

One of the younger guys in my office and his wife had a baby on Monday. The couple had been trying for a long time and news of her pregnancy had been the talk of the office for the last couple months. All the talk was surprising considering that there are plenty of people in this office who I don't even know if they are married or not. I've overheard coworkers who have been working together for 15 years of so asking whether the other has kids. It's not a gossipy office. Most people just go to their cubes and work. So when the father started telling everyone, and I mean everyone, word spread and people got excited.

The baby was born on Monday. It was planned. The office received news that afternoon about the details and a couple pictures. The father was taking the week off to spend time with his new daughter and his wife. So I was a tad shocked when he walked into the office this morning, went to his desk, and started working. Two days after his wife delivers their first child he is back at work, and on a vacation day. Now I can't think of anything in the world that would make me come into the office on a vacation day. Perhaps I'm just not as attached to my job as I should be. But to come in two days after having a baby seems a bit extreme.

So all this morning I've been wondering why. Is there just so much stuff to do at the office that he felt the need to come into work? This young man is busy like the rest of us but I can't think of anything that couldn't wait a week or so. Now he's always been a bit of a workaholic but as a woman, I know I wouldn't have let my husband out of the house two days after a birth. If it's not work, is it the fact that he now has to deal with both his wife and his mother-in-law. But then why come into the office. He's on vacation. I would go anywhere except the office when I'm on vacation. The only other thing I can think of is that he is coming to work to relax. A new baby is stressful. There is the lack of quiet and lack of sleep. There is the constant stress of taking care of a brand new life. That explanation makes sense to me. I doubt that this young man gave too much thought to how much his life was going to change after having a baby. I can only imagine that he is here to rest. But I still think that his wife should probably be pissed. I know I would be.

Childfree Day

In the mid 1990s Leslie Lafeyette, the founder of the Childfree Network, put forward the idea of having a day to celebrate the childfree choice. Her idea is that the holiday would fall on the first Sunday of June, the mid point between Mother's Day and Father's Day. Although the Childfree Network itself is no longer around, the idea of a holiday has stayed. Well yesterday was World Childfree Day. It is another one of those odd little holidays that Jeff and I celebrate that most of the world doesn't.

And although I love the idea of a day to celebrate childfree people I do see one problem with the holiday, at least for Jeff and I. We celebrated the day the same way we do pretty much every day. Jeff stayed up way too late playing World of Warcraft the night before. I spent the morning hanging out in my local coffeehouse writing and drawing. We went out to lunch and then spent the afternoon reading or sitting outside enjoying the nice day. In the evening we scavenged together some dinner (each cooking our own meals) and then raided with the guild until very late. So in all honesty it was a pretty typical Sunday for us.

Jeff and I are blessed in that we have a lot of time to do whatever we want to do. I'm planning to start fencing lessons again soon. I have my writing which lately has been a priority. I'm also suddenly interested in baking and particularly cake decorating. And I have the time to try it. Jeff has the chance to quit work and go back to school because of our childfree status. He also gets plenty of play time in the process. It's a quiet life but one that I love. So while I can see the desire for a childfree holiday, I'm not necessarily sure I see the need. Everyday gets to be a holiday.

Independence Day!!!

This post is really for Jeff because today is a special day for us. An anniversary of sorts. Nope not the day we were married, or engaged, or met. Many people would be offended that we celebrate this anniversary. But it means a lot to us. Today is Independence Day. Five years ago, on a Friday just like today, Jeff got himself fixed.

Most people would be shocked that I would A. talk about his vasectomy and B. celebrate it. But it took me a long to time to get to the decision to let him have it and we still claim that it was the best $80 we ever spent. (And I love that insurance covered it). Today is special for me because it provided us with independence. I no longer have to worry about what would happen if I got pregnant. I have time now to dedicate to the things that I want to do. I can relax on the couch and read a book all afternoon without having to worry about what the kids need. I can play WoW until 2 in the morning without having to deal with small children the next day. I know that for a lot of people that sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but this is the only life I get. I want the time to use for the things I enjoy.

One of the King Arthur stories that really left an impression on me was the story of Gawain and Dame Ragnall. I won't tell the whole story here but in order to save Arthur, Gawain agrees to marry a hideous witch. The witch had challenged to two men to find out what women want and when they failed to do so, he is forced to marry. On their wedding day, the witch offers Gawain a choice. She can be beautiful during the day, when they are with people, but hideous at night when she is with him. Or she can be hideous during the day, but beautiful at night for him. Gawain asked her to make the choice, saying she had to live with the results. And that she revealed is what women want, Choice. I have to agree. I love being able to choose what to do with my hours.

So tonight Jeff and I will go out to some beautiful restaurant, where the linens are starched and the food looks like it was prepared by artists. We will probably buy a bottle of white and toast to our freedom. We'll talk about movies and politics and WoW. And I won't have to cut up anyone's food. I love my life. Viva la independence!

Old arguements

So I got attacked today. Don't worry I'm fine. I wasn't attacked physically just verbally. Although sometimes I'm not sure which hurts more.  This one wasn't anything I found too terrible and now looking back I can see it as funny. At the time it got my blood boiling. 

One of the older women at work and I started talking this afternoon about family. I had asked how her husband was doing since I know he has cancer. She was asking me about my husband and of course that got around to children. Now my office is not a very chatty place. I have people that I work side by side with who have no idea about each others home lives. People who have worked together 15 years ask questions like "how many children do you have again?" or "are you married". It is just a strange atmosphere. 

So this question was nothing surprising. What was surprising was her reaction to my statement that I didn't have any children. That tends to be my standard answer for strangers asking that question. Most don't push and I avoid a confrontation. This woman looked at me and told me that I wasn't getting any younger and that I should start thinking about starting a family. I told her I already had a family, me and Jeff and the cat. But she insisted that I should be starting to think about children. And so I told her that I wasn't having any. 

First she didn't believe me. Then when I assured her she proceeding to give me every possible reason to have them that she could think of. For any childfree people out there, I could have called bingo four times during the conversation. Most of them I fended off easily. I have heard them all before. And then she told me I was selfish (heard it) and finally she told me that I was an ungrateful child. (that one is new) She told me that I should be thinking of my parents and how much they wanted grandchildren. Needless to say after all this I was glad when someone needed the copier and I was able to escape. 

Work tomorrow should be interesting. It will certainly be more talkative. I am not offended by my coworker but I guess I'm a little shocked. No matter how many people tell me that I am making a mistake I am still shocked by those who resort eventually to calling names. For the record I have only really had strangers who have attacked my choice. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive. I am just shocked at the strangers who feel it is necessary to change my mind about such an important decision. And not one I went into lightly. Strange. 

Giving them back at the end of the evening

So I'm childfree. Not to be confused with childless. There is actually a difference. Childless people are hoping to one day have children. They feel a lack of something because of their childless status. I am not that way. Now I'll start with the standard caution. Don't assume that because I don't want kids of my own that I don't enjoy children. I have been known to play for hours with friends kids, nieces and nephews, and in this case cousin's kids. But I don't enjoy the responsibility of kids or the worry that goes with it. I will spend hours playing with your child but don't ask me to discipline it or take care of it. My favorite part is handing it back at the end of the night.

My family has been really good about my childfree status. My entire extended family knows and they support Jeff and I. I have only been told once that I would regret this decision and that was by one of my cousins. She was almost 40 and desperate for a child. So she met a man and had one. And that brings you up to this recent funeral in Chicago. And my story.

My cousin arrived at the funeral, talked for a little and then went to pick up her 3 year old. Now this kid is a terror. I redefined my definition of hellion after meeting this kid. Even my sister was impressed with his level of mischief. He does the exact opposite of whatever anyone tells him. And his mother does nothing to discipline him. NOTHING. After arriving with her child she informed me and my sisters that she had a doctors appt to go to and asked if we would watch the little boy. What I wanted to say was that I would rather poke my eyes out with hot pokers but what came out of my sister's mouth was "Of course". Of course we would watch him while she went to her OB appointment. I can't even imagine how this woman is going to handle two.

Now we're in a funeral parlor, on a busy street. No option to take him outside. Instead he ran up and down the halls until the funeral director asked us to keep him under control. No amount of scolding, holding, or picking up would deter him. He's not my child so I don't feel comfortable really disciplining him. At one point my sister and I sat in the hallway, in dress clothes, and blocked his access to the hallway. I was so glad that we were the only funeral going on when he started screaming about wanting to get by.

After two hours of chasing, holding, squirming, and screaming, I was done. I hid in the bathroom for a bit just to get a bit of quiet. My sisters took him like a champ. My older sister had even gotten him to mind a little bit. He would no longer run, he just didn't stay in one place. And walked deliberately to show that he wasn't running. Then his cousins showed up and now we had three. All hell broke loose. They were of course left to us sisters since we already had the one.

At the end of the night I was exhausted. I have to admit I had several beers that night at the hotel. I never really got to grieve with all the running back and forth and I was reminded of why I don't want children. They are fun for a while, great to play with, and wonderful to hand back at the end of the night.